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Entire Student Body Suspicious of Student with Healthy, Consistent Bedtime

Supposed UW sophomore – but obvious imposter – Sara Gatz has maintained a regular weeknight bedtime of 10:30 throughout the year, says longtime roommate and normal person Anjali McGinn.

“It’s genuinely impressive, but also a little bit scary,” said McGinn, who usually goes to bed sometime between 1 and 4 AM, like the rest of us. “Lights out and silence at 10:30 every night, all year…she doesn’t even have to get up super early or anything; she just gets at least 9, 9 ½ hours of sleep a night…I mean, something has to be up with this.”

Having observed Gatz for a week, there is no other evidence that would technically indicate illegal or immoral behavior but she does maintain a disturbingly regular sleep routine and suspicious schoolwork/recreation balance. Additionally, the subject often went for long walks by herself, citing some gibberish about healthy recreation and enjoying the outdoors. This is obviously a cover for some nefarious purpose. What nefarious purpose hasn’t been determined yet. She may be drawing maps of campus for her secret government agency, concocting a bird-based plot to overthrow the American government, or collecting human samples for her alien overlords.

Gatz, for her part, insists she isn’t a cyborg, government sleeper agent, or Russian spy.

“I just find I operate best and get the most out of my education when I’m on a regular sleep schedule. I do live it up on the weekends, though. I usually go to bed at 11.”


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