Girlfriend Distraught Boyfriend Wasn't Victim of UW Chemical Disaster, Wanted to be Single for Mifflin

Madison, WI – On April 10th, many UW-Madison students were horrified to learn that an on-campus research lab was under investigation, as a lab employee had been arrested for release of an unknown chemical. It was found that this chemical was intended to be put into a coworker's shoes in an attempt to harm them. This news traveled quickly around the campus, everyone breathing a sigh of relief that this was put to rest before anyone was harmed; everyone except Emma Smith, a junior here at Madison studying pre-law. 

Emma has been together with her boyfriend Adam Johnson, a senior at Madison studying chemistry for almost five months now, and was distraught to learn he wasn’t the victim of the UW chemical disaster.

“I wanted to be single in time for Mifflin," stated Emma. 

The couple apparently met at a mixer, and Emma soon learned that Adam’s father is the head of a big law firm. “I thought it would be a great networking opportunity for me, so I went out on a date with him. I immediately felt no connection to this man, I’ve never felt less straight than I do when I kiss him, but due to my eagerness for this networking opportunity, one date soon turned into seventeen,” Emma told us woefully. As soon as Emma got Adam’s father's connection on LinkedIn, she finally decided that she needed to break up with Adam in time for Mifflin so she could freely explore Pink Whitney, acid, and other people; as, “no amount of alcohol would be able to dull the fact that I have to go home to a man whose mom still pays his freshman roommate Steve to do his laundry for him,” she informed us. 

Emma had started contemplating how she was going to break it off with Adam, when she learned about the chemical disaster at the lab he was working in. Emma had never felt more relief than she did reading the report on the investigation. She skipped all the way to her boyfriend's apartment to see if a miracle had taken place - perhaps she’d be single for Mifflin after all.

Unfortunately, when she arrived she found her boyfriend in great health. 

“Thankfully, God was really looking out for me there. It wasn’t me who was the victim in that disaster, and I’m of sound health, along with all the rest of my co-workers. Emma has been so supportive throughout this entire thing - as soon as she heard the news, she came running to see if I was okay. She couldn’t stop crying when she found out that I was safe, it was really sweet,” Adam reported to us. 

Emma still tears up when talking about that day.

“I just don’t understand,” she told us privately, between sobs. “Adam wears shoes! Adam is annoying as fuck! Why wasn’t he the target? Is he really so unspecial that something like this couldn't possibly happen to him? I bought such a cute outfit for Mifflin, and now everything is ruined!” 

Emma decided to get to the bottom of this, and has sent several letters back and forth between her and the chemical perpetrator. She wanted to know why he didn’t target Adam. She received the following response: “I knew his father worked for a law form, and I wasn’t willing to mess with his family. I may be an asshole, but I’m not an idiot.” It was also later revealed that he knew Adam was no real threat once he figured out Adam didn’t know how to do laundry, “he was going to get fired anyways once our supervisor realized Steve was sneaking in on weekends to hold Adam’s hand through washing the lab rags.” 

The perpetrator and Emma have plans to go out for matcha to gossip about Adam once he’s out. 

Since then, Emma's roommates report that she has fallen into a deep depression, haunted by the fact she’ll probably still be with Adam by the time Mifflin rolls around. You will be able to spot Emma this year at Mifflin in what she claims is the hottest outfit she’s ever been seen in, with a bottle of Pink Whitney, and Adam by her side, clearing the street with an obscene amount of cologne because Steve couldn’t stop by.