top of page

Existential crisis solved with shitty haircut

Following another mid-life existential crisis resulting in the superficial examination of her lifestyle, 46 year old Martha Weber decided to change up her banal lifestyle with a shitty haircut. Weber said she was inspired by the bravery of Katy Perry, who has used the same method of easing existential angst in the past.

“Look how short it is now!” said Weber, “Can you believe it? It’s short. Crazy right? What made me do it was Katy’s song ‘Roar’. It gave me the courage I needed to go through with such a big step like this. Have you heard it?”

Weber’s bullshit hairdo sprouted out of her desire to do something “crazy” after realizing she was halfway done with her lifelong trudge through meaninglessness.  The reckless decision was made after Weber took three weeks to decide whether or not to dye her hair in addition to the cut.

“I went with purple” Said Weber, “It’s a bit different, ya know? I like to be adventurous so this color really suits me. Everyone can definitely hear me roar now!”

Despite taking such bold step so recently, Weber is already making plans for the next time she needs to courageously numb the feeling existential anxiety brought on by some stupid bullshit.

“I think I’ll go with red next time. Maybe I’ll cut it even shorter! Who knows? All I know is that I’m gonna make Katy proud. Roar!”

Weber’s last crisis of existence, brought on by her interpreting a flower on the beach as a sign that she should change her life, ended with her trying to learn how to make shitty utensils out of some pretentious exotic wood. Her two wooden spoons and half-finished cup have been sitting in the attic since her angst subsided.

“Ever since then, whenever I do anything I ask myself, ‘is what I’m doing making me roar?’, and if the answer is ‘no’, then I don’t do it. There’s nothing better than that song. Well, except maybe for dark horse. It’s so good, I think I am the dark horse. Have you heard it yet?”

bottom of page