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Film Professor Excited to Turn Lecture Into Cinema

While most people view online schooling as a hellish response to the COVID-19 pandemic, FIlm professor Shannon McGuiness sees it as an opportunity to fulfill her lifelong dream: to teach cinema by turning her lectures into feature films.

The moment the news for online classes broke, McGuiness holed herself up with a typewriter, a pot of coffee, and 4 lines of premium grade cocaine to get to work like the Hollywood writers. She has typed up the screenplays for her lectures from now until April 27th. 

“It’s just such an opportunity to really hone my craft,” says McGuiness. “It was the break I’ve been looking for! This job has been stifling my creative ability, and these kids, God I hate them so much. But if I do a good job with these lectures, I am going to submit them to the Sundance festival, and assuming they ever do one of those again, it's my ticket out of this hellhole. Goodbye education and steady income, hello fame!”

McGuiness says each lecture will start in pure darkness, where she whispers the lecture overview into the microphone. This will be followed by blinding light and her screaming the class goals as loudly as she can. This is in hopes of shocking her students into paying attention or weeding out the weak and “uncultured” students who value their hearing over her art. The ensuing lecture will be composed of various shots, including close ups of her eyes, a prolonged shot up her nostrils as she flares and unflares them to accentuate her points, and closing with 15 minutes of her doing naked yoga while reciting the textbook in slam poetry form.

When asked their opinion on the new style of lecturing her student, sophomore Teddy Robins said “Ya, I changed my major. I'm actually a Comp-Sci guy now. I don’t know anything about computers, but I am never gonna watch a naked 63-year-old lady yodel again. God, I hope this virus kills me.” 


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