Frat Member Misunderstood “UW-Madison vs. Penn State This Week!” Is Negotiating with Colombian Cartel

MADISON, WI – As the UW-Madison football team prepared its red-and-whites for the game against Penn State on Saturday, Brad Lewis, a junior and active member of the Delta Upsilon fraternity, prepared a different kind of white for the weekend. Lewis had been elected the chairperson of a special IFC committee dedicated to overtaking Penn State in inter-fraternity drug trafficking and, in preparation, had taken it upon himself to enter into negotiations with an infamous Colombian drug cartel. 

“Dude, at first I was pissed. Illegal cocaine dealing to susceptible minors was supposed to be our thing. Then, my bro Kite Kyle told me about these guys from Colombia who could help us out, and I was like, ‘bro, we gotta compete with these New York Ivy-League bitches too?’ But nah, it’s apparently a country that’s, like, not Wisconsin that’s serious about their coke game.” After being asked for a more formal identification of Kite Kyle, Lewis clarified to the Misnomer that Kyle isn’t actually an official Delta Upsilon brother, but rather a homeless man pulled from State Street because an actual brother was on a study-abroad semester and they “needed someone to replace Derrick on the Brotem pole”, adding that they “couldn’t even tell him apart from the rest of the brothers”. When probed about the origins of the name Kite Kyle, Lewis explained, “Yeah, we call him that ‘cause I’ve personally never seen that dude not high, which, like, honestly? Respect.”

Lewis graciously allowed the Misnomer to listen in on one of his calls with a Colombian cartel member. Out of respect for Spanish-speaking readers who should never be forced to bear witness to the fruits of Lewis’ two weeks of Duolingo Spanish lessons, the following exclusive transcript has been largely translated to English:

Lewis: Hola, bro. Sí, it’s Big Man Brad. The shipment is coming this Saturday, sí? Oh shit, we boutta get loco in this casa! I didn’t even need to make the pledges cut ‘em for us like the bitches over at PSU. You’re the GOAT, Rodríguez. You lowkey top our frat dad. Don’t worry, bro, we’re touse. Cops ain’t gonna do shit to us ‘cause Delta Upsilon ain’t bitches like Penn State. Sí, bro, I gringo you too.

Once the transcript had concluded, Lewis told the Misnomer, “He keeps saying that before he hangs up, bro, it’s so sweet. I’m pretty sure it’s like a term of endearment in their language. Pause, like sweet in a non-gay way. Don’t write that down. I’m not gay. Why are you still typing?” After convincing Lewis that the last line would not make it into print and distracting him with a White Claw, he commented on future business opportunities, saying, “We’d expand to sororities too, man, but they said coke wasn’t chic anymore and they’d rather stick to their polka-dotted geek bars.” 

Before Lewis could be properly informed of what Wisconsin was actually competing against Penn State in, he told the Misnomer he had a GEN BUS 300 lecture to get to, where he was going to pregame for Thirsty Thursdays at the back of the classroom. 

The Misnomer also attempted to interview Evan Shelby, President of Delta Upsilon, in the biohazardously unclean fraternity house. This proved to be unsuccessful, as Shelby could only repeat the phrase “these hands don’t fucking haze” under his breath over and over again while stalking around defensively in front of the basement door. In other news, Damien Carson, a freshman Delta Upsilon pledge, is still reportedly missing.