top of page

Freshman OWNS First Date with FACTS and LOGIC

First dates can be tricky: whether it’s from Tinder, Bumble, or just a flyer with a picture of your face, you never know just how a given date will go. However, conservative Cassanova and UW-Madison freshman Benjamin is pretty certain he’ll be getting a second date. “I’m absolutely positive that my date went very well! She looked vaguely like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez so I knew calling her a ‘snowflake SJW’ would show her I was a well-educated and big-brained young man.” 

Benjamin reports that he wore his nicest suit for the half-hour outing to Ian’s pizza and made sure to spend at least fifteen minutes ranting about how some soyboy cuck called him a racist for saying how black people need to just “stop threatening the police.”

 “I wanted her to know I was an alpha, so I really hammered home that I barely cried at all when that guy said my favorite podcast’s talking points were ‘arguably racist’ and ‘full of dog whistles,’” said Benjamin.

Although she very quickly got up and left after taking only a few bites of pizza, Benjamin knows she was probably just getting a case of the first-date jitters. “Yeah… she hasn’t responded to any of my texts in the past week, and she hasn’t liked any of the TurningPoint USA memes I’ve sent her on Instagram… but I’m pretty sure that’s just because I bet she’s only dated liberals, not alpha conservatives like me. She’s just intimidated by what a real man I am.”

While Benjamin says he hopes to get a second date, he notes that he isn’t opposed to meeting new girls. “Ultimately, I’m looking for a traditional American woman to bear 6 of my children while I record my podcast and make “College SJWs get DESTROYED” YouTube compilations, but I’d love to have some fun along the way!”


bottom of page