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Freshman Super Bummed He Can’t Go to Mifflin, Which He Totally Was Definitely Going to Do

With Wisconsin on a Safer at Home order, all public gatherings have been cancelled for the upcoming weeks. The loss of communal activities like church services, weddings, and graduations has devastated millions of people nationwide, but one event’s cancellation has caused the most grief by miles: Mifflin.  

The most vocal victim is UW freshman Marty Hurst. This has shocked his friends who have always known him to be not into partying. Posting constantly on social media, Hurst has made it his mission to let everyone know how disappointed he is.

“God, what am I going to do without Mifflin? I was, like, soooo pumped to go ingest alcohol, talk really loud, and be mad disrespectful to those police officers. Man, what a blast I would have had. I was gonna be the first person there probably. A cool party guy like me doesn’t want to miss a minute!”

When asked about Hurst’s reaction to the cancellation, his friend Joe Luy said, “I honestly am shocked. The buddies and I always talked about how stoked we were for Mifflin, but Marty never seemed too interested. That’s why I was so confused on the day the Safer at Home order was announced and Marty texted us, ‘Fuck, man, I was so for sure, 100%, defintitely, posi-tutely going to that!’”

Since Hurst seemed so beat up about Mifflin being cancelled, his friends offered to have a “zoom party” where they all drink at home and video chat. Hurst reportedly responded by saying the reminder of what he lost would hurt too much.

After seeing the social media commentary, Hurst’s roommate came forward and said, “No, that dude for sure was not going to Mifflin. Almost every night, I would hear him talking in his sleep about how much he didn’t want to go. Stuff like ‘what if my mom finds out?’ and ‘please, no, I didn’t bring any apples! The horses are going to stomp me down!’”


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