Freshman Unleashes Monster Shit on Dorm Bathroom

Perhaps you were a Dejope Dookier, Sellery Shitter, or a Chadbourne Crapper that unleashed an Adams Abomination, a Merit Monster, or a Bradley Beast upon your poor, unsuspecting dorm bathroom and the weary, underpaid immigrant janitors. In a few dorms, it was a more personal issue; a Lowell Log could only be the fault of you or your roommate(s). Awkward! Imagine having to take responsibility for ruining common spaces. Couldn’t be most of you. And in this case, one of you has unfortunately made the mistake of victimizing a Misnomer writer. A big, stinky mistake.

Anyway, how did this happen? You’ve been scared of shitting in public and so you’ve held it in since September. But you owe money to the Poop Man, and he’s finally come to collect in your single-use communal dorm bathroom. I can only imagine that the process was akin to giving birth.

I stumbled into the bathroom some hours later, my eyes alighting on the horror in the bowl. I stumbled over, putrid smell in the air, and mustered up the courage to push down the handle. With unending dismay, I watched as it didn’t move at all. It is perfectly vertical, a stoic boulder amongst the raging waters, impervious to the forces of erosion. Upon closer inspection, your turd is two shades of brown, meaning it’s been there all day long. It’s too late in the night for anything to be done about it, the janitors have gone home. You, the periscoping perp, have turd burgled your way to the top of bathroom dominance. You’ve single handedly shut down an extremely busy bathroom for at least 15 hours, bravo.

As the hours go by, you watch your mega shit go through every shade of brown as your dormmates desperately try to flush it away, but to no avail. They even begin taking showers in there with it. Weighing in at two pounds and with a length of 1.5 feet and unfathomable girth, it was a whopper. You held it up and took a selfie with it to use for your dating profiles, but no one has swiped right??? The huzz must be sleeping. Adding insult to injury, Guinness World Records did not return your calls.

You’ve taken shitposting to a whole new level, and I applaud your commitment, bravery, and tenacity.  Perchance all campus bathrooms should come equipped with a poop knife, or a plunger, although the latter would’ve been utterly useless against the vertical evacuation. Maybe Mnookin should instate a rule that says no monster shits within or 25 feet around university buildings. But to you, the shitter, I suggest miralax. And perhaps an exorcism.