Hopeful CS Major Shot Dead by Recruiter at Career Fair For Not Having 5 Years Experience

MADISON, WI - It’s officially career season on campus! For the thousands of students updating their LinkedIn profiles, polishing their résumés, and practicing for interviews, the internship application process can feel like climbing up a never-ending hill, especially when those who have successfully made it through share their horror stories of filling out over 500 applications and nightmarish four-round interviews. But for those without an offer yet, fret not, because the all-campus Career Fair at the Kohl Center is a great resource to network with employers and get eyes on your resumé! At least that was what naive Computer Science major Ryan Thompson thought.

Thompson was a Sophomore who decided to major in CS after becoming interested in coding when he was introduced to Scratch in middle school. He had heard all the negative press about his degree’s career prospects, whether it was the possibility of being replaced by AI, the extreme oversaturation of the major, or the absurd technical interview process, but he remained hopeful. Sure, he didn’t have the prior internship experience some of his peers did, but he hoped his years of work experience at a restaurant back home and 300 hours of community service demonstrated some of the soft skills employers often preached so much about. Beyond that, he had a perfect 4.0 GPA, had taken several advanced Computer Science classes already, and had even worked on a pet-adoption matching website as a personal project that his local animal shelter used to triple adoption numbers!

Armed with a stack of resumés, Thompson donned his best suit and approached the Kohl Center with an air of nervous optimism. He visited several booths with moderate success, but his eye was on the biggest prize of all as he approached the end of the fair: Clorb. Clorb was all the rage in the tech world at the moment; according to its website, it was a “B2B SaaS leveraging cloud-based AI solutions to synergize productivity and disrupt the tech landscape.” Thompson wasn’t fully sure what all of that meant, but he did know that everyone was talking about Clorb. And while it was expected to be extremely competitive, with students all over the country applying, and the cost of living in San Francisco in the summer (which Clorb did not cover) would be quite high, Thompson figured it was at least worth a try.

Running through his elevator pitch in his head one last time, Thompson approached Clorb’s table. But before he could utter a single word, the lone recruiter, without looking up from his phone, instructed him to “Scan the QR code and apply online.”

Although he was a bit taken aback by this cold and abrupt greeting, Thompson decided to press on and demonstrate his tenacity. “Well, I was actually hoping I could give you a copy of my resumé and introduce myself a bit.”

Finally turning his attention away from DMing ABGs on LinkedIn to do marketing for his startup, the recruiter stared incredulously at this insolent student who dared to waste his precious time. Snatching the resumé out of Thompson’s hand, he scanned it briefly before asking in confusion, “Where is your software engineering experience?”

Luckily, Thompson was prepared with a rehearsed answer. “I don’t have any of that currently, but if you look down at my projects section -”

Thompson did not get the chance to finish, as the recruiter, having heard enough of this foolish student’s nonsense, calmly pulled the Glock 19 he kept for such situations out of his back pocket and fired 2 shots cleanly into Thompson’s heart, killing him instantly. “Minimum 5 years full-time experience required for entry-level internships”, he said to the corpse while returning to his phone. A few students at adjacent tables looked over in surprise at the noise, but there were otherwise no reactions. The students next in line simply stepped over Thompson’s lifeless body to get to the table.

The response across campus was surprisingly mixed. We spoke with Matthew Munders, Thompson’s friend in several CS classes. “I mean, I’m sad and all, he was a nice guy, but at the same time, that’s one less person competing for a bed in the homeless shelter we’ll all probably be in when we graduate, so gotta find the silver lining somehow, I guess? Hold on, let me ask Chat what else I’m supposed to say”. A small group of CS students staged a protest outside the Kohl Center the following day against what they called “the dehumanizing conditions in the CS job market” (Definitely a bunch of losers with no offers). However, a courageous bystander measured that they were exactly 23 feet and 9 inches away from a University building when protesting and bravely called UWPD. The protesters were then swiftly arrested and sent to Louisiana to be processed for deportation.

UW Administration expressed no remorse for the incident, as the Computer Sciences Department put out a statement reaffirming their “commitment to connecting with diverse and innovative employers who are willing to use unconventional methods to identify the best and brightest candidates UW-Madison has to offer”, along with linking to a UHS page about mental well-being during job searches. Chancellor Mnookin suggested that Clorb was simply “sifting and winnowing through potential applicants”. I would mourn Thompson, but I heard he also applied to Meta, and they’re releasing interview decisions next week, so that’s one less person to worry about. Honestly, he should’ve known better to try to get involved with those Bay Area startups.