Despite only 100 companies emitting 71% of total greenhouse gas emissions, we as individuals are being asked an essential question: “what can you do about the climate crisis?”
From biking to work, to turning down the thermostat, to taking up arms against the petroleum-drenched capitalist state, people are finding ways to reduce their own carbon footprint. In this spirit, many Americans have chosen to eat a more plant based diet! This task is growing easier as plant-based meats move beyond the uncanny valley and begin to actually taste good. However, the greed of one local restaurant has reignited the bloodlust in one local vegetarian.
Robert West, a UW Computer Science major, was a lifelong vegetarian until last week when a meal at MooYah turned him. “I was just trying to get something plant-based with fries and a shake, but then I noticed the 99 cent added cost and I guess I just kinda lost it.”
In his rage, Robert sprinted as fast as possible to the UW dairy barn on the other end of campus. The ensuing carnage resulted in 15 dairy cows left as nothing more than scattered vicera, and one very content Robert. “I guess I just kinda lost my head for a bit, but now that the fever has subsided I should be okay! I hope those cows are okay!”
Since Robert was unaware of his actions and UW Administration really doesn’t care much about what happens in the College of Agriculture, no charges were filed. Counseling has been made available to the poor faculty and student hourlies who had to witness the carnage. Although no charges were filed, local restaurants should be aware of the risks of upcharging vegetarians. Veggie burgers should cost the same as a beef patty, or the blood will continue to flow like a river down Bascom hill.