Well, you’ve been to the org fair, and what’s that? DoIT was nice enough to gift you a neat tote bag to hold all your stuff? Awesome! But now you’ve found a spot for your water bottle from PAVE and the Wisconsin Idea t-shirt. What does one do with this leftover cloth bag? Have no fear! The Madison Misnomer has some sweet alternate uses for you!
Turn it into a neat cry bag
College is already for stressful for many of your fellow badgers. But, if you try really, really, hard, you can assume the fetal position inside that red canvas bag and cry your little undergraduate eyes out due to all the newfound stress.
Hide a pet in there
Ok, so technically you can’t have pets in dorms. How many times have you’ve seen your RA sneak a peek in any bag you’re carrying? The answer is no, and that’s why you gotta put all your favorite tote-sized animals in it before it’s too late. Check up on those suckers once every three weeks like your favorite house plants, and you’ll be set for an academic year of fun.
Some lame vegetables
So you could use your tote bag for standard fare like a fucking loser if you please. Sure, go to the capitol square farmers market and buy some asparagus you fucking square. Good luck figuring out how to cook it well; hopefully you just eat it straight out of the bag with your bare, dirty hands you pretend farmer, you.
This is the ultimate and final form of a tote bag. Try as you might, your tote bag will end up holding other bags you actually put stuff in. So stop the charade you coward, and face the truth.