top of page

Gas Station Clerk Withholding Monster Energy Refuses to Take Riff as Payment

MADISON, Wisconsin - Reports are coming in that this huge narc from the Flamingo Run at Gordon’s was being a total Prude Jude and wasn’t acknowledging the pretty sick riff I was having with him. These reports are saying that I came in to purchase my daily Manic Melon Monster drink even though I was a little low on cash because my girlfriend said she needed money for her Corpse Bride cosplay (which is fine cause reports say it’s gonna be pretty hot) and when I put my elbows on the counter to begin my riff, the dude just started being a total asshole. He was like, ‘eeey, man, you can’t just tell me a joke about the items in this store and expect me to let you steal your drink, man.’

This is total horseshit because there are dozens upon thousands of people who are paid to riff every day and I refuse to let my talents of listening to podcasts all day and constantly refreshing Twitter go to waste. The following riff had precise structure and form and went as follows: I picked up a Fruit by the Foot, examined it for a few seconds, and astutely chimed “why do they call it Fruit by the Foot? It’s not just a foot, it’s about three feet. They should call it Fruit by the Yard.”

Reports acknowledge that this was a tight-ass start to a riff and that, given continued riffing and banter, it would result in a pretty sweet highlight for any up and coming podcaster. But this guy just gives me this tired-ass look, like he has heard it before which he HASN’T cause I make my own material, and says “excuse me sir, you need to pay for your drink.” I can’t help if this guy hasn’t heard of the likes of Burt Kreischer, Theo Von, and Nick Mullen, but if he hasn’t it’s really not his place to evaluate the riff.

At this point I start panicking (in the biz, we call this ‘improv’) and pick up a box of Jujubees and say “Jujubees? What kind of a name is that?” and before I even reach the punchline, which I’m quite proud of, he just interjects with the same shit he said a second ago, which is terrible etiquette for a podcast because listeners don’t want to hear recycled material. At this point, reports are saying that I’ve fucking had it, and I just walk out of the store with my drink. He doesn’t do anything about it because it’s just a drink and he’s just a narc, but also because, deep inside, he knew it was a strong-ass riff. I got home and told my girlfriend whose cosplay was HOT by the way, but she just gave me a confused, blank look. That’s why I love her, though.


bottom of page