Jesus and Five Other Guys Who Can’t Take a Hint


We all know someone who just can’t seem to pick up on the social cues of the world around them. Try as you might to quietly tell them to knock their shit off, they trudge along unaware, living their best life at the expense of others. It’s a cold comfort to know your suffering is not unique, but it is comfort all the same. With that in mind, here is a list of the six worst offenders for not picking up what others are putting down, and taking the fucking hint.


1. Jesus Of Nazareth

We get it, we get it, we get it. Be nice to the poor, help other people, love each other. We nailed this fucker to a 2x4 just to shut him up and what does he do? Strolls his merry little ass out three days later doubling down on his bullshit. If I wanted to be a better person I wouldn’t be hungover throwing up on my lunch break okay. Lemme live in sin, jackass.


2. Jay Gatsby

Gatsby is arguably the most well known example of an idiot who can’t take a hint thanks to common core and the decay of American education. I’ve been down bad before, I won’t lie. But if I threw a party specifically to invite my crush, and they brought their husband with them to that party, even I would know it's time to move on. Go take a long drive or a swim, dude.


3. Elon Musk

A modern-day Gatsby who is still convinced he can use his money and influence to fill the hole where friends should go. It seems like every time I hear about one of his little “I’m the real Tony Stark” schemes, more and more people realize he's a bald creepy piece of shit. Why can’t you just take your Apartheid money and shut up? Capitalism is bad enough without you trying to make it hip, man.


4. That one guy in Chem

You would think me not even knowing his name this far into the semester would send a pretty clear message, but no. Fucker still rolls up to my desk every single Thursday asking if I “want to be study buddies.” If I didn’t want to sit alone with you in the library for the past three midterms, I probably wouldn't want to for the final, champ.


5. Charles Koch

Sane Americans hate him because he funded the think tanks and political movements that built the alt-right. Neo-Nazis hate him ‘cause now that he tastes his own mortality he wants to, “fix what hes done” and give money to Democrats. Take a hint, your politics haven't helped anybody. Stop trying—I’m begging you. Knowing C-Koch, he will end up turning that healing crystal lady into the Democratic front runner.


6. My Dad.

My brother in Christ, I am old enough to legally drink. If we were ever gonna have a healthy relationship, it would have happened by now. Quit it with the baseball tickets.