It’s official, Tony Evers is governor-elect of Wisconsin, just narrowly edging out a close victory, but what do people really know about their future governor? Assuming you know everything about Tony before he assumes office may leave you looking foolish, so here’s a biopic of Evers from files (classified and declassified) which will provide a full scope of the dairy state’s future governor.
The being known as Tony Evers emerged from the soil of Plymouth, Wisconsin on November 5th, 1951, a date he claims he “remembers all too well.” After tearing his umbilical cord from the root of an evergreen tree, he would be adopted by a physician and his wife, hoping to be a mortician since his “birth”, but changed careers paths to education after being caught “preparing a squirrel to be ritualistically buried” by his mother.
“I have always had a passion for the children and their pursuit of higher learning,” claims Evers, who said he would prefer to be called 'The One Without,' “Those with knowledge have power, and those with power bring justice to the weak. The One Without is only an instrument of the pursuits of power.”
Evers said that in high school he met an "acceptable mate” and would go on to marry his now-wife, Kathy. Together, they would raise three “suitable candidates”. He is also a cancer survivor, an experience he said “does not haunt me like the others.”
Though Wisconsin state superintendent for many years, Evers has always “had a passion for the cold, the frigid, the ones with no emotion” and continued to be a part-time mortician throughout his adulthood. His admiration for Wisconsin, as he says, comes from his “feeling of the cold overtaking oneself, wrapping them in a blanket of unforgiving mass” something which reminds him of the freezers where bodies are stored in a mortuary and “brings The One Without great bliss.”
Evers would go on to show our reporters pictures of himself “before the troubles” where he would stand in the background of photographs of children playing on playgrounds. He claimed the photos were from 1951 but appeared to be the same age he is now. He adamantly denied our requests to copy the photos.
Running on a campaign based off revamping the state’s education system and expanding healthcare, Evers says he hopes that one day “they all shall know.” He is also an advocate for protecting the environment, as he says “one day the Great Cold shall come, and may the mortals amongst us pray it shall cease them swiftly.”