In her prayers last Thursday, local grandmother Gertrude Livingston asked the most powerful being in the universe to aid her fuck-up grandson Garrett Matthews in his Introduction to Algebra class, a wish that not even God was not able to grant.
“I prayed so hard that I sweated blood,” claimed Livingston, bed-ridden and unable to walk since her prayer’s intensity sucked the life-force from half her body. “God’s light shown through me from a beam from the Heavens, taking with it my soul. I’m nothing more than a mortal shell now.”
Livingston, however, worries that her prayers were in vain, as her grandson really outperformed himself on being the biggest dumbass in class.
“Yeah, I kinda beefed it this time,” said Matthews. “I know that I failed but I bet I’m gonna do better next semester. It’s gonna be sick.” Matthews went on to explain that this is the second time he’s taken the course and the 4th-straight exam which he has failed with flying colors.
Matthews then showed reporters the letter he received from his grandmother just days before the exam, saying that she’d “been praying” for him and that she hopes he “won’t fuck it up this time because it’s incredibly important that you do not.”
God was asked to comment on this story, but declined. When pressed, he said “Look, I only do this kinda stupid shit once a week and I already helped a kid in Hungary win a pie eating contest. Not gonna let this consume my schedule.”