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Guy Who Doesn’t Wear Condoms “Not Interested” in Safer Badgers App


Over the past few weeks, UW has been working to roll out its new ‘Safer Badgers’ app, which was made to streamline Covid testing in the new year. The app has been a topic of controversy among students as it was made available only on the App Store--meaning that no Android scum could download or use the app’s features. The issue of accessibility spanned further, as students with lack of access to smartphone technology were made incapable of receiving the free Covid tests the University had promised them.


UW has since made changes to the app’s purpose so that all students have access to free Covid tests, but some students still oppose ‘Safer Badgers’ for personal reasons. Senior Colin Bradford, for example, compared his refusal to download the app to his refusal to purchase condoms for sex, stating, “Not interested.”


When asked for further explanation, Bradford said, “An app that notifies me any time a girl I slept with buys a pregnancy test? No thank you.”


Surveys have shown a correlation between opposition to the app and participation in Greek life on campus. It seems many students within fraternities have misinterpreted the purpose of the app to be some kind of stunt by student organization Sex Out Loud to promote contraception.


Acacia president Ben Richards delivered his frat’s official statement, saying “We here at Acacia find that the ‘Safer Badgers’ app was designed by big government to oppress our right to choose.”


When informed of the true purpose of the app, Richards added “Well, the virus is a hoax anyways.”

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