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Guy Who Says "Howdy" is Not Who He Seems

Everyone has their own unique greeting for their classmates and floormates. You might say 'hey,' your roommate may prefer 'hello,' the kid with a gaming laptop might utter 'salutations,' and that one girl on your floor who stopped responding to your Snapchat streaks might not say anything at all. We all welcome each other differently. There's always that one guy, however, who still rocks the 'howdy.' That certainly was the case on Sellery's third floor, where students uncovered the truth about one particular amigo.

Sellery student Will Monson was exiting the shower in his typical bathrobe attire as he was greeted by the student he had previously known as Joseph Northman.

"He said 'howdy.' He pretty much only said 'howdy.' I always thought it was a little weird," Monson said of the encounter. "It was obvious he was hiding something. You could still see the silver spurs on the back of his Yeezy Boosts. And he had this old pistol holster that you could tell he tried to carve the Barstool logo onto."

With the mysterious student's cover blown, he had no choice but to reveal his true self.

Joseph Northman, it turned out, was secretly the notorious gunslinger and vigilante Jebediah 'Gunsmoke' Alvarez. He had enrolled at UW this semester to take a break from rustling cityfolk and sticking up banks. Monson reports that Alvarez confessed his entire series of lies during this interaction in the bathroom.

In an interview, the newly revealed Alvarez talked about his recent struggles. "Times have been hard. The gang's been pooling together Venmo donations from our Instagram stories to fund one last big heist. We spent all our money from our grilled cheese fundraiser on whiskey." Alvarez says he didn't want people to know his real identity, but admitted he had gotten lazy with his disguise. "I almost always remember to take the spurs off my Yeezys, but I was just so stressed out about my Agriculture midterm that I reckon I forgot."

Jebediah's floormates are accepting of their roommate's newfound identity.

"I don't want to press charges or anything," conceded Monson, "I actually think it's super dope. I just figured people should know about the renowned bandit on our floor."

Other students, like freshman Evan O'Connor, even say they have been more inclined to hang out with Alvarez after understanding his Western origins, saying "Me and the boys absolutely had to drink with him. The guy is on some Red Dead Redemption shit. He kept saying that he didn't like the saloons around here, though."

Alternatively, some Sellery residents allege that they already knew his secret, like Kappa Gamma Gamma sister Elise Andrews.

"Yeah, you could, like, totally tell he was a highwayman," said Andrews. "I mean he's like 60 years old. One of our sisters hooked up with him and he had some really weird things to say about the cowgirl positions. You could totally tell if you were paying attention."


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