top of page

Guy with Cargo Pants Has Everything You Could Possibly Imagine: Except a Condom

Few articles of clothing are as demonized in American pop culture than the infamous cargo pant. Despite the immense storage space and “tacti-cool” appearance, there are many who feel that cargo pants are only for neckbeards and right-wing militia groups. However, Xavier Phillips, a junior at UW Madison, is trying to bring back the style.

“I mean really, the cargo pant is perhaps the most versatile item of clothing I’ve ever owned. I can store my keys, wallet, switchblade, YuGiOh cards, and phone and still have at least two pockets free for emergency storage,” Xavier said.

While Xavier is clearly enthralled in the world of cargo, he does admit that there are some downsides to what he now refers to as “the lifestyle”.

“Yeah for whatever reason girls don’t seem to be impressed that I can carry, and yes I did the math, at least six cans of baked beans on me at any given time,” said Xavier. “It’s okay though, I know I’ll find a girl living the lifestyle eventually, so I make sure to wear the cargo on every first date I go on. Plus if it’s summer I can unzip the bottom halves of the pants and have some sick cargo shorts.”

When polled, the most common responses to cargo pants from undergraduate women at UW were:

1. “Ew”

2. “Not a fan”

3. “Eh, they’re fine I guess”

4. “What the hell is the Misnomer and how did you get my email?”

The odds aren’t looking too good for Xavier, but he remains hopeful he’ll be able to find the girl of his dreams.

“Once I, uh, start getting right-swiped on tinder all the pockets are gonna be great for, like condoms and all that sex stuff. It’s gonna be rad,” Xavier said.


bottom of page