The Coronavirus, or COVID-19, is the latest in the long line of diseases threatening to do serious damage to the human race. With COVID-19’s emergence in Wisconsin, officials are stressing people take precautionary measures to avoid contracting the illness. In an uncharacteristic move, Chi Beta Phi brother Chet Buchanan has decided to listen. He now washes his hands every morning and evening in 190 proof “Diesel” brand alcohol.
Chet claims that while listening to scientists is normally “un-American” and “not his style,” this time he saw a public service announcement on Tinder™ which convinced him to take things seriously.
“I figure, the more qualified you are for your position the less likely you know what you are talking about,” says Buchanan. “So, I didn’t really care when a bunch of doctors and scientists were talking about it. When they appointed Pence to deal with it I almost gave a shit, cause that guy has no clue what he's talking about. But when I saw an ad about staying safe on Tinder and it wasn’t about STDs, nobody on Tinder is a doctor so if they are talking about COVID I should care..”
Buchanan then decided to sterilize his hands every morning and evening in order to ensure he remains healthy. He decided to use high-grade spirits because “they kill bad feelings inside and out” and the side effects from when he rubbed his eyes afterward were far less severe than when he rubbed his hands with chile peppers. His other brothers were initially concerned with the amount of alcohol he was going through washing his hands twice a day. However, they sat down and did the math and found out he was still using less alcohol than he did when he was drinking at parties. Therefore, they decided to support his new health regiment.
When asked why he doesn’t simply wash his hands, or shower, as most doctors recommend, Buchanan replied that “Hygiene is a hoax made to make everything smell like mint, I’ll beat this disease without becoming a puppet to the Crest™ overlords. ”
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