Help! Booty Call Won’t Let Me In Without a Green Badger Badge

In these trying, sexless times it can be more important than ever to feel intimacy. However for some, safety comes first- in more than one way.

Jason Jonas, a third year student at UW-Madison, is facing a little more safety precautions than expected. “Man, I’m just trying to bust a nut. But my booty call’s saying I have to show my badger badge at the door.” UW-Madison’s new botched testing system is centered around the new “Badger Badge'', which turns green if you have gotten a negative test in the past 4 days. “I’m no policeman! Why do I gotta show a badge?”

Brianna Zudekis, Jason’s booty call, is following the rules strictly. “I like consistent cock as much as the next person, but I like protection more, and no, I’m not talking about Jonas’ chocolate flavored rubbers.” Even though testing has been inefficient, questionably spaced, and slow to return results, it is good enough for Brianna. “I’m not on the pill and he doesn’t have the vaccine. So we’ll use the next best options, even if he’s going to complain about both of them.”

This enhanced safety protocol still comes at a cost, at least for people like Jason. “UW-Madison’s health services are giving me blue balls! Waiting over 48 hours just to get my test rejected is ruining me and I can’t take it much longer.” Despite his worries, Jason cares about safety as well. “Yes, of course, I get it. I’m a careful person, I don’t want to get sick. But I don't know how much longer I can handle staying abstinent like this.”

Jason sympathizes, but he is grappling with the constraints in front of him. “I mean, who are you? Becky Blank? If I was fucking Becky Blank, I would get an MRI for that. But Brianna is no big booty Becky.”

For now, Jason will have to wait for his green Badger Badge. But will his balls survive? Will his purel soaked cock stop burning? Only time will tell.