Heroic Cop Seizes Astonishing 2 Grams of Weed

After the events of 2020, one message is astonishingly clear: the policing system in this country is completely perfect, has no glaring issues, and has absolutely no demographic-based biases. Nowhere is this more clear than in our country’s war on drugs. On this front, local sheriff’s junior assistant deputy Frank “The Bloodhound” Riley has made local history with the seizure of an astonishing 2 grams of premium grade marijuana, shocking local residents.

The seizure occurred after an elderly resident called to complain that a passerby on the street “smelled like that mary jane nonsense I heard about at the Steely Dan concert.” Deputy Riley arrived shortly after on scene with 3 backup cars and a K9 unit to confront the would-be criminal. “I saw the guy had his hood up and his hands in his pockets… I know it’s winter but that felt reeeeeeaaaal suspicious. Plus he was wearing a baja hoodie, so I knew he had some of that electric lettuce on him. I was pretty sure he was gonna flee, so I deployed my taser and pepper spray immediately.”

In this heroic seizure, deputy Riley has helped ensure the safety and security of our community. In a press release, UWPD said, “With this massive drug bust, we have taken a marijuana kingpin off of the streets. 2 grams is enough cannabis to kill at least 50 people, maybe even more. We urge students to give a wet sloppy kiss to any UWPD officer they see on the street.”

Although cannabis possession is decriminalized in Madison, UWPD insists that the suspect is certainly a dealer and “probably had some other stuff on him, but like, got rid of it before we caught him.” The Madison DA has declined to prosecute, but the suspect, a UW student, was held and questioned for 12 hours straight in an effort to obtain more information.

“Although our coward DA refuses to prosecute this criminal, I know I did the right thing detaining him. Marijuana is an evil, evil drug, and its users are almost all violent criminals,” remarked deputy Riley.