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Hipster Stoked That He Can Finally Wear a Beanie Without Dying of Heatstroke



Summer has gone and winter is fast approaching! While this means the usual hordes of Canada Goose jackets, falling on black ice, and a general sense of despair, for junior Jefferson Florence, it means his fashion element no longer comes with a health risk. “I mean I’m just, like, totally stoked that it’s cold again dude. Yeah, I wear them in the summer, but I’ve missed my locally produced, fair trade, organic, vegan slouchy beanies not making me pass out from heatstroke. So stoked, dude.”


While Jefferson says he was making an effort to counteract the heat of beanies in the summer season with a combination of nitro cold brew and cuffing his slim fit urban outfitters chinos up to his calves, he’s “just so friggin psyched” that he can go back to wearing his flannels, beanies, and only slightly cuffed chinos without having to tell those around him the safety procedures for heatstroke. “Yeah summer is great for concerts and late nights on the patio reading Kurt Vonnegut and drinking an IPA, but like… nothing beats the winter dude.”


Although the snow might mean he can’t ride his fixed-gear bike or pretend to play acoustic guitar outside, Jefferson says that his favorite activities are most assuredly winter-compatible. “Yeah my parents have a house in Breckenridge so I can, just like drop off the grid and shred the slopes.  Did you know that beanies actually, like, keep you warm when you’re in the snow? I guess I just found a secret feature or whatever! I don’t have a job or anything because capitalism, like, kinda sucks, so I make sure to use my trust fund money to only buy fair-trade beanies from this little brand called ‘Patagonia.’ I doubt you’ve heard of it, it’s kinda underground.” Classes just ended, but Jefferson is already excited to spend more of his parent’s money than some kids get all year over the course of the ski season.


Until winter break, Jefferson says he’s “really just excited to vibe out to beanie season,” and that his “stoke levels” for slouchy hats are “so friggin high, dude.”

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