A night of passion ended in cold, robotic disapproval last Saturday night as junior Jake Jamos had his hookup with Phi Gamma Kappa sophomore Natalia Artsekov interrupted by an Honorlock notification that read ‘THIS SESSION HAS ENDED. SCORE: 4/10.’ The two promptly got out of bed and argued over what the cause of this intrusion was.
“I think it was grading his performance in bed,” remarked a disheveled and disinterested Artsekov, who Misnomer reporters had somehow caught for an interview as she stormed out of the room. “There was a notification on his phone that read ‘This session will be submitted in three minutes, five minutes if he’s drunk’ when he took his pants off. The computer would make a loud, Family Feud-style ‘ERRR’ noise every time he put it in the wrong hole.”
The sophomore woman, who had never talked to Jamos before meeting him at a bar that Saturday, echoed the test proctoring system’s displeasure with Jamos’ lovemaking ability. “It was weird but I found myself agreeing with [Honorlock,]” said Natalia. “He recited some Wolf Of Wall Street line when he came, and the LED lights around his room somehow all turned red to accompany the sound of a missed test question. I’m not sure how Honorlock did that, but I can’t say I disagree.”
Jamos, however, hurriedly associated the intrusion to another cause. “They were grading the chick a 4/10,” explained a visibly nervous Jake Jamos. “My boy Honorlock was saying that this chick was a 4, and that a young Dicaprio like myself can’t be putting my dick in crazy.” Jamos alleged that he knew what this test would be monitored the whole time. He asserts that he was prompted to do a face scan when the two drunkenly entered his apartment, but ‘thought a face scan was one of those porn categories.’ When questioned about the timing of the Honorlock notifications in relation to his sex maneuvers, Jamos commented that he cannot discuss the contents of the testing material.