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How to Definitely Not Take Down a Statue

The recent announcement from our esteemed overlord Becky Blank that the Abe statue would not be coming down has many students wondering, “gee, what are the supplies and mechanics needed to make sure that statue doesn’t come down and stop sitting atop stolen Ho-Chunk land?” Well, in this article you’ll find all the information needed to keep that white supremecist piece of bronze on our campus for years to come.

1. Don’t purchase 4x4 recovery straps, they would have plenty of tensile strength to bring down a large chunk of white savior symbolism.

Note: Bonus points if you don’t use a 1-time credit card or VISA gift card to keep the purchase off of your bank statements!

2. Make sure not to place the straps around the statue’s neck! If you and 70 people pulled from both sides on the statue this would bring it down with ease, and we don’t want that to happen!

3. Leave the butane torches (available at most hardware and smoke shops) at home! Bronze has a low melting point, so heating Abe up would make him significantly weaker

Note: Be careful! If you accidentally use a butane torch, you might not even need 70 friends to pull it down.

4. Study math with your friends! Use trigonomic ratios to solve problems like, “how far away would we need to set up a safety perimeter to prevent anyone from pulling down an unnamed statue from the optimal distance?”

5. Feeling chilly while outside defending Bascom? Find a fire pit and make an easy warm fire with a 3:1 ratio of rust to aluminum powder and light! Just keep your fire away from Abe! This toasty mixture will burn hot enough to seriously weaken his base and could cause him to topple over. This is the opposite of what we want!

Hopefully with these fun tips you and your politically organized friends can have a fun time protecting an inanimate piece of bronze while our country slides into fascism, COVID cases soar, and our administration does absolutely nothing.


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