“I Sure Hope My Date Doesn't Notice How Calm I Am,” Says Weirdly Sweaty Man


The excitement of a first date can be stressful, for even the best of us. Add to that the pressure to stay calm, collected, and put your best foot forward in a relationship can result in awkwardness that ranges from loveably kooky to downright strange. According to one Madison resident however, the first date jitters don’t scare him nearly as much as the lack of them do.


Terrance Denton is a 22-year-old UW-Madison alumnus who states that he has found a way to exude calm and confidence at every point in his life, by simply controlling his breathing and ‘being a man.’


“Yeah ya know, I just decided one day to embrace Stoic philosophy and stop getting freaked out, that my life will work out exactly how it should with no effort needed from me” says Denton. “I’m actually worried that when I go on dates I’m too calm, and seem unapproachable or not into it.”


Denton claims that he is able to remain completely impassive and unphased by the crushing fear of dying alone on failed dates by reminding himself that he is in fact God's gift to earth, allowing that confidence to carry him through the evening.

To test Dentons claims of being so still it's sexy, we tracked down his most recent first date, 23-year-old Micheal Okoye. Mr. Okoye gives a slightly different retelling of the evening's events.


“Too calm? He said he was too calm? He had to borrow my napkin during dinner because he had his own wrapped around his forehead like a sweatband. He looked like he was physically fighting the urge to shit at the table. I asked him where he was from and he let out a low groan. It was the first time I’ve been asked to leave a restaurant because my date was upsetting people's appetites.”


When asked if Mr. Okoye would go on a second date with Denton, he said he would be open to the idea, so long as Denton had a few beers first to relax.