3 Things Things to Say to Get Kicked Out of the Haunted House


Listen, I love haunted houses as much as anyone. But sometimes, they are simply too scary for my delicate sensibilities. If you’re like me, sometimes you want to get out of there ASAP, but don’t want to look like a little tiny scared infant in front of your cool friends. Instead, try to say something to get kicked out--being a nuisance is much cooler than being scared, trust me. Here are three things you can say in the haunted house that are guaranteed to get you booted.


1. “In the brain, fear and arousal are almost indistinguishable”

You’re simply stating a fact here, so they can’t really file harassment charges against you, I think. But the implication that you’re all horned up for the performers that are wielding knives in your face will surely get you escorted off the premises. Bonus points if you have the courage to get close enough to whisper this in a character’s ear. You’ll look like a player in front of your friends while making sure you get the hell out of there posthaste.


2. “I would never let lice get in the way of me having a good time”

For this to work, it should be accompanied by taking your hat off your head and placing it on the performer in front of you. Trust me, they’ll snap out of character right quick and shoo you in the direction that glowing exit sign. You’ll have to prime your friends for this one by scratching your head a lot and dropping facts like, “Did you know lice prefer clean hair over dirty?” If you don’t, they might see through your lie and figure out that you can’t hang.


3. “I have a bomb”

This one is a last resort, as it could get you into a bit of legal trouble. But it is wildly effective at getting not just you, but everyone out of the building. Be prepared to be asked lots of questions by the police immediately afterwards and by your friends later. Say it was all a misunderstanding: you were referring to your massive THE BOMB™ burrito that you have at home. Whatever you do, don’t reveal the true purpose of the lie. If they know you were scared, your friends will laugh at you and leave you forever, and we don’t want that. The only thing scarier than a haunted house is crushing loneliness.