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It Ain't Easy Being Wheezy: How to Walk Up Bascom and Hide that You’re Fighting for Your Life

Close your eyes: imagine that you and that cute person from your lecture in the humanities building both walk the same way after class. You to Van Vleck, them to Sewell. This is your chance to strike up a three minute conversation as you both make the hike. But to your horror, you quickly realize part of that journey is up the terror of Bascom (it never gets easier).

Asthmatic to asthmatic, I’ve been there. Breathing is a vital function, but you don’t feel that you and your potential love interest are at the right stage in the relationship for them to hear your Darth Vader impression.

First things first: take a deep breath. Your journey isn’t hopeless. There are many people, like me, who have been in your shoes before. Bascom is a beast, but if you have the right strategy, you can tame it. We have put together a list of strategies for your next hike, so put that inhaler down, fix your posture, and know that next time you make the climb, you’ll be ready.

1. Ride a flamingo

It’s only unethical if you think too much about it. These birds have frequented Bascom a few times a year since before you were born. They can climb that hill with one leg tied behind the other and down shrimp at catastrophic speeds-- these skills have set them up for success and have led to them being dubbed “the horses of Madison.” Just grab one at the bottom of the hill, perhaps make an offering of shrimp or other goodies, and climb on!

2. Grappling hook

Have you ever wanted to feel more badass than you already do? A grappling hook is a great option to bring that high. You can look and feel like James Bond (or something, I haven’t seen the movies), and have all of your peers notice your infectious badassery.

We also recommend that in addition to purchasing a grappling hook, you should hire a good lawyer and an apology note ghostwriter, because property damage is likely.

3. Get absolutely plastered

I can’t be the only one who noticed that the walk up Bascom is significantly easier twelve shots in. Perhaps it’s because the 80 isn’t running. Perhaps it’s because of the confidence. Perhaps it’s the sense of emergency to beat the final three shots from hitting your tummy. Regardless, something about it works like nothing else has.

4. Steal an electric skateboard

Nothing is worse than sweating your ass off only to see that one guy zoom by on his electric skateboard. You are impressed that he has the confidence to go that fast. You are distraught that he could crash into anybody at any moment. But most of all, you are jealous. Therefore, you choose to do what any reasonable person would do. Steal it.

Pull an Indiana Jones (or something, I haven’t seen the movie) and replace the skateboard that he is riding with something of an equal mass. By the time the old switcheroo is over, the momentum would have carried him to the top of the hill without him noticing. Should he see you making a break for it, he won’t be able to catch up to your speed.

5. The upwards roll

Lay down on your side, and just roll. Roll like there’s no tomorrow. Bring a change of

Clothes, because you run the risk of getting muddy. However, that might be preferable for some, as you will not get nearly as sweaty and smell like an asthma inhaler.

We hope that these strategies can help you next time you need to hike up the hill and impress your crush. If you have a crush. Personally, I’m not sure if I believe in love anymore. I download Tinder and Bumble only to engage in meaningless hookups and depression. I feel alone. So so so alone. Anyways, let us know which ones you try and which ones your favorite!


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