UW-Madison provides its students with great resources on campus, but despite all its prestige, there is one material that is clearly bought by a cheap-ass: the toilet paper. Stocked in all of the bathrooms in academic buildings are piles of one-ply rolls as thin as an elderly woman’s skin. Mason Slawski, a junior, has finally come up with a fun way to address the fact that each trip to the bathroom ends in a toilet paper disaster: calling himself Poop-Hands.
“I mean, who doesn’t get shit on their hands every single time they wipe their ass?” said Slawski, clearly unaware that others do not have this problem. “I’m not God or anything, you know? When I’m given one-ply toilet paper, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
Many of Slawski’s classmates have come forward saying that they are uncomfortable with him asking them to refer to him as Poop-Hands. Greg Lindner, his assigned partner for English class, has some real questions on the topic.
“Like, he comes into class every day shouting ‘The Mr. Poop-Hands has arrived!’” said Lindner. “Does he even wash his hands? Every time I ask him if he actively has shit on his hands, he just responds with ‘If that’s what the university wants, that’s what the university will get.’ Well, what am I getting, Mason? Pink eye?”
Reportedly not easing up until the school provides two-ply toilet paper, Slawski has started to sell merch to illuminate the issue.
“I really think if we all start to wear shirts with incredibly graphic poop-covered hands on it, we can really make a difference on this campus and, honestly, maybe in the whole world.”