Local Dad Bob Johnson got a little too excited at the thought of turkey sandwiches following the Johnson family’s annual 2:00 p.m. Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. Despite adding nearly 10 pounds to the beer belly he had been accruing over the past year in quarantine, Johnson still had fantasies about a week of turkey sandwiches.
The incident occurred as Bob waddled into the kitchen as his wife Pamela was placing turkey leftovers in plastic containers. Looking at the lush cuts of turkey as they fell beautifully into the containers, Bob was instantly reminded of the post-Thanksgiving sandwiches that he could indulge in after a slightly concerning four hour food-coma nap.
“Ohhhh Pamela, I cannot wait to fix myself a turkey sandwich later tonight. It always slips my mind that this turkey will last us days--what a treat! Sometimes I think these sandwiches are my favorite part of the whole meal,” Johnson said as he curiously explored the cabinet for some bread to accompany the turkey. Upon finding some, Johnson’s brain seemed to regress to his childhood self where certain erotic reactions are harder to control.
“We even have my favorite Wonderbread to make the sandwiches with! Ohhh, ugh, damn,” said Johnson as he nervously peered down at his now-sticky trousers. “I must’ve um, gotten a bit excited there hun. Excuse me for a few I’ll be right back. I think I spilled some of that gravy down yonder earlier.”
Johnson then proceeded to ferociously scrub his jeans with soap, scolding himself throughout: “Gosh darnit, Bob. I thought you learned how to control yourself. What is the matter with you?” He emerged from the bathroom with a large soap and water stain and attempted to sit down on his favorite recliner without drawing too much attention to himself.
“So what’s the score?” Johnson inquired about the NFL game as half of his relatives stared at his drenched crotch area. Johnson’s Google search history for that evening later turned up a “Why can I get hard at the thought of sandwiches but not my wife?” and “turkey sandwich ASMR (hot).”