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Local Dune Enthusiast About To Lose All His Friends

Well folks, we’re only a month away from when Denis Villenueve’s rendition of Frank Herbert’s Dune comes to the big screen, or maybe the small screen, depending on how many more white couples from Waukesha have to have their super-spreader weddings. So you know what that means. All the nerds in this godforsaken nation are gonna have an opinion on it. Since the most recent Star Wars trilogy came and went, all the Melvin’s and Eugene’s of the world need a new subject for their virginal rage.

One local man’s animus for the upcoming movie is really putting a strain on his personal relationships though. His friend Steven sat down with us.

“Listen, we’ve always known Craig was a nerd, he went as one of those weird fuckin tree things from The Lord of the Rings for Halloween every year from middle school to sophomore year of college. We smoked some pot with him one time, and he would not stop talking about Battlestar Galactica or something. I don’t know, I have a girlfriend. But this new Dune movie is a whole different animal. He’s not eating, he’s not sleeping, all he does is angrily tweet and quote Reddit posts about how this movie will single-handedly bring down Western Civilization.”

We tried tracking down Craig to hear his side of the story, but we hit a brick wall when we discovered that he had been detained by the Department of Homeland Security for sending an envelope with anthrax in it to Denis Villenuve’s office.

Let’s all hope no one else has to go through what these friends had to. And to those who already decided they don’t like the movie, let us say, I understand that Timothee Chalamet isn’t fucking a piece of fruit in this one, but lets at least give it a chance.


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