top of page

Local Man Drinks Black Coffee, Really Needs Others to Know It

For college students, the late nights and long hours of studying sandwiched in between unbelievable drug binges means one thing: coffee! With methamphetamine still considered “socially unacceptable,” Adderall only accessible from your cool friend with ADHD, and cocaine prohibitively expensive, caffeine is really the only stimulant that most students have access to. For political science major Bradley, however, coffee is more than a stimulant: it’s a personality trait. “I basically only drink my coffee black, and if it’s not fair trade and brewed at a perfect 200 degrees in my Chemex, I don’t want it.”

Although he’s described by his friends and every ex-girlfriend as “pretentious” and “kind of a prick,” Bradley labels himself as a connoisseur, and contends that he’s just misunderstood.

“I mean, I guess my palette is just too refined for all those Starbucks-drinking sheeple. If you can’t handle the taste of pure, unrefined, rainforest certified, arabica coffee, you might as well not even be drinking it.”

In an effort to find community, Bradley has both an Instagram and Twitter to spread his gospel about the joys of black coffee. While neither account has broken 5 followers, the message to the Madison community is clear: this guy really hates cream and sugar and is better than you because of it. Despite never having worked in a cafe or ever holding a service job, Bradley insists that every barista he’s met in Madison “simply has no idea how to make a good cup of coffee”. Bradley claims that, “Without my social media influence, you poor, ignorant people would have no idea how much you’re destroying the flavor profile of the bean with your stupid ‘mochas’ and ‘cappuccinos.’ I can’t believe how brain-dead this town can be!”

His crusade and hotly-defended way of life has not come without consequences for him unfortunately. “Did my last relationship end because I kept throwing away her CoffeeMate? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I told her it was me or drinking your coffee incorrectly, and clearly she made the wrong choice.”

Although his black coffee gospel hasn’t made him many friends, Bradley continues to dedicate his life to turning every conversation into how he’s better than you for never having even tasted a pumpkin spice latte.


bottom of page