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Local Man Gives Up For Lent

Lent is a 46-day religious observance followed by many Christians in the Madison Area. While Lent is characterized by the tradition of giving up something you enjoy, area man Theo Stacy has decided this year he would try simply giving up.

Mr. Stacy says he was inspired to replace his usual offering of giving up solid foods for the duration of Lent due to the fact that this past year had been particularly difficult for him.

“It all started when I failed my clap for credit class; I didn’t know attendance was mandatory,” said Stacy. “That kinda led to a cycle, and it was about the time that I was masturbating in the dark to Tom and Jerry that I decided I would have to do a little more to make up for this to God.”

Stacy had just reached this revelation into his lifestyle and then was given doctor's orders that if he drinks nothing but shamrock shakes for a month again he will likely die. Therefore, he did some soul searching and decided to give up on life entirely.

For the duration of Lent, Stacy will only do things according to the “orders he receives from God.” As Stacy does not currently suffer from auditory hallucinations or hear orders “from God”, he has decided that he will interpret signs for commandments. For example, he will only eat when hungry and then he will eat the first thing he sees, regardless of its nutritional value or if it is currently in someone else's hands. He will only attend classes if he sees a bird from his windowless room in the James, and when taking exams will roll a dice to see which bubble he will fill in.

Stacy believes this is actually a way to celebrate Lent, since giving up more of his life and future will put him ahead of the other Christians around him. This means God will have to listen to his prayers first, and he will likely be needing a lot of prayers afterward.

Stacy admits he has not been to church since 2003 and can’t prove his method is foolproof but is confident in his approach thanks to inspiration from songs like “Jesus Take the Wheel” and “Highway to Hell.”


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