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Local Man with "Hurt Horse" Unable to Get Ketamine from Vet


The ongoing pandemic, slide into fascism, and worsening climate crisis have been the cause of a lot of anxiety for many people, and as such led a lot of folks to an old friend: copious amounts of drugs! Whether you’re getting stoned and eating shredded cheese straight out of a bag, smoking DMT and seeing god, or going on a MDMA fueled fuck binge, everyone has a vice. For 28 year old not-so recent UW grad “Sunray” (as he insisted on being called) ketamine is the ultimate drug, saying, “Duuuuuude you have no idea how much ket changes your life.”


However, after a falling out with his dealer, Sun was faced with a serious problem: his supplies were running dangerously low. “I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t fake an injury and call 911 because all the EMTs refuse to give me ket since I kept trying to buy off of them when I fractured my shoulder trying a sick backflip on acid. I had to go to a new source.” To try and get his drug of choice, Sun went to a local large animal veterinarian.


“I had a totally believable story dude, I said my horse was really hurting and really needed some special k, but that fuckin square at the vet said I was ‘clearly just looking for drugs’ and that ‘he should really report me.’” None of the 9 Wisconsin veterinarians Sun reached out to could be reached for comment.


Sun, to his credit, had an airtight case and was incredibly shocked that the vet didn’t just hand him over a fat bag of special k. “That guy was just asking too many questions. I mean, I SHOWED him a picture of the horse and pointed out where it hurt. Obviously I wasn’t gonna bring it into the vet, those fuckers are huge!”


Although now ket-less, Sun says he’s looking on the bright side of things. “I mean I still have a shitload of whippets and my ‘Golden Teacher’ shroom grow is getting pretty good yields so I’ll make it through, I’m just gonna miss dissociating on my friend Steve’s couch for 6 hours at a time.”



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