Local MILF Dead at 96


Queen Elizabeth II, the iconic leader who captivated the minds of horny teenagers throughout the commonwealth for decades, died Thursday at her estate in the Scottish Highlands. She was 96.


While her reign included unprecedented cordial diplomacy with nations across the world and strong relationships with 14 U.S. presidents, Elizabeth’s primary achievement came in her looks that kept the British people glued to the TV.


“It’s a true loss for not only our nation, but the many, many, many nations we’ve colonized” stated British Prime Minister Liz Truss, a world leader who has yet to attain international MILF status.


Callum Powell, twenty-four year old beefeater at Buckingham Palace, was deeply saddened by the Queen’s passing.


“I just thought I’d, like, get more time with Her Majesty, you know? Like when Philip died, I was there for her. I was a shoulder to cry on, and I hoped it would have led to something more. I’d have done anything she asked–like, anything. And not even because she was my Sovereign, but because she was hot. She was my Queen, but I would have made her my Princess, if you know what I mean.”


All admired her beauty, but not all agreed with her politics. Said her opponents: “She’s a 10 but she’s a symbol of enduring colonization.”


When locals were polled on King Charles III’s potential DILF status, consensus was: “Fuck no.”