Tricks became treats last night as Madison’s thin blue line appeared to be more concerned with yellow. UW-Madison sophomore Keira Hayes claims that she and her friends were out celebrating Halloween weekend, when a middle-aged man in a sleeveless cop costume demanded urine samples from each student. When it became apparent that this pig liked to roll around in more than just mud, Hayes and her friends fled. The perverse impersonator, Aidan Miller, was caught wet-handed at the scene, where he was arrested and taken in for questioning.
“He was more nervous than most cops I’d met, and he showed us his badge almost immediately, but it was just plastic,” said Hayes, who added that she was drunk enough to believe Miller initially.
“And he told us we could hit him with his baton if he was being too harsh, but only on his ass, which I just assumed to be some new progressive policy," said Hayes.
Miller then withdrew seven crumpled-up Cheba Hut cups and demanded that the teens pee in them, but it was the Ragstock tag sticking out of the man’s armpit that roused suspicion among the women. The sophomores admit that even if the costume hadn’t given Miller away, they were already skeptical to see a police officer crawling on all fours along the curb on State Street.
Miller was given a fine for public consumption of alcohol and a high five for public consumption of urine. Upon release from police custody, Miller was offered a job in the police force, a promotion, and a complimentary glass of piss.