Steven Brigham is a local man who, up until a few days ago, had a perfectly normal sex life. He had crippling addiction to pornography, he enjoyed three minutes of missionary with his girlfriend each week, and he has never not cried after performing cunnulingus.
That was until he started getting the sniffles. So, like any red blooded American, he chose to protect his community and get a COVID-19 test. At first Steven was nervous.
“I mean, ya know, putting something in a bodily orifice? That seems a little gay to me. And I’m not gay. I’m straight, one hundred percent straight. I love vagina.”
But eventually he found the strength to power through.
On the day in question, Steven showed up to the testing station apprehensive yet determined. The volunteer handed him the swab, and he took three quick breaths before sticking it up his nose.
What happened next can only be described as pure ecstasy. With every millimeter the swab moved back into his nasal cavity, Steven felt it with every essence of his being. And by the time the swab hit the pharynx, he wouldn’t be able to walk straight for a week.
It would take Steven several hours of recovery to realize it, but he had just experienced a sexual awakening, a feeling of euphoria or intimacy in response to experiencing something sexual for the first time.
Steven had experienced this before, but he had always assumed this exhilaration was reserved for curvy anthropomorphic cartoon animals or female Republican Vice Presidential nominees. Oh, and that one time with his bunkmate at summer camp, but he doesn't like to talk about that.
Today, Steven is a much different man than he was a week ago, a man more in touch with his sexuality
“Yeah, so what I have my girlfriend finger my nose during sex? I’m still having sex with a woman. Because I love women in a sexual context. It’s not fucking gay!”