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New Crossing Guard Under Humanities Bridge Speaks Only in Riddles Three

Something is different about the new Mosse Humanities bridge crossing guard. And it’s not his three foot stature or his beard that goes down to his knees, and it’s not even the huge club that he carries with the word “STOP” painted on it. It’s the fact that he only speaks in riddles.

Students trying to climb up Bascom have to go through him first.

“Yeah, I was trying to get to my Anthro 105 class, but when I attempted to cross the street, he stopped me and said, ‘I have cities, but no houses. I have mountains, but no trees. I have water, but no fish. What am I?’ The hell am I supposed to say? It’s 8 in the fucking morning!”

Another student reported to us, “He asked ‘What has fifteen diamonds but isn't rich?’... I’m a college student. I had Easy Mac for breakfast. Save it for the B-School.”

Though the school has since tried to fire the crossing guard, he refuses to leave unless they answer his riddles three. When an entire security team went to remove him, he merely gobbled them up.

“It’s okay. He just lives here now,” the UWPD tearfully said in a press conference. “No- n- no threat to public safety.”


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