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“Nope, says here you died 6 months ago,” Says Walgreens Pharmacist

To UW-Madison Senior Britt Wagner, it was supposed to be a typical trip to the Walgreens on East Campus Mall. But last Saturday she was faced with an unexpected inconvenience when her pharmacist refused to give her her normal prescription.

“She told me that, according to the computer in front of her, I had died six months ago and therefore was no longer eligible for my medication,” said the finance major. “I’d been out of meds for a week already, and to be told that I can’t have them because I’ve apparently shuffled off this mortal coil is super annoying, especially because I walked here from my apartment which is, like, fifteen minutes away.”

Walgreens employee Dr. Erin Meyers, who despite only graduating from pharmacy school insists she be referred to as ‘doctor’, commented:

“We’re working to find the root of this issue. But our system is trustworthy, so if the computer says that you were a casualty in a violent house fire in which every person inside was incinerated, I just can’t give you your Prozac," said Meyers. “It’s against policy. Also, I can’t read anything else on the screen because it’s covered in static and what appear to be ancient runes.”

Among disputes over mortality status, other customers have complained of being born in the future, being given a new name entirely, and having to wait in line for over twenty minutes. UW-Madison Junior Riley Gordon, who will be born sometime next year and is therefore not old enough to pick up his own prescription, gave the Misnomer his thoughts:

“Their customer service really leaves something to be desired. I had to bring my mom last time because I’m technically unborn and they kept blaming all the problems on my insurance. The pharmacy tech helping us started speaking in tongues, but somewhere in the middle mentioned how United Health doesn’t cover people who don’t exist yet. Regardless of whose fault it was, I’m out $200.”


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