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Online Lecture Offers Brutal Look Into Professor's Home Life

In the time of national quarantine, many colleges have switched their instruction online, using groundbreaking technologies such as BlackBoard to allow students to want to kill themselves from the comfort of their own living room. The video conferences also offer the unforeseen consequence of letting students see the background of their teachers and peers' rooms, revealing haunting insights into their lives. This is seen best with the students of Dr. James Hinkmen’s Law and Ethics 320 lecture.

Dr. Hinkmen is normally known for his well-pressed suits, and a high demand that all his students arrive in his class early, well postured, and “looking like lawyers” with the penalty for failing to meet his standards being the loss of the discussion points, or 15% of their total grade. Hinkmen is proud of his class’s status as the most failed class in the department, with an average grade of 48%. He has a scoresheet of students he has made cry drawn on his blackboard every morning. 

With such high classroom requirements, students were shocked to see how Dr. Hinkmen really lives. Their teacher was dressed in a wife beater and boxers, with strategic holes to show off his Corpus delicti. It was further discovered that Dr. Hinkmen had been living in a studio apartment with 4 other roommates. 

Hinkmen's aversion to pets was discovered to stem from his home life when, mid-lecture, one of his roommate's cats crawled onto his head and began peeing profusely, using his bald scalp as a litter box. Hinkmen refused to break his stride however and continued to lecture on the importance of only choosing clients wealthy enough to pay your legal fees, even as cat piss ran over his eyes.

Students were traumatized and 4 members of his class have simply unenrolled as opposed to having to sit through a second video lecture. When asked the worst part of the ordeal, junior Tyler Goldwell said “It was definitely when one of his roommates slapped him and told him to suck their big toe. He turned off the video but we could hear him crying and slurping. It was probably the worst 5 minutes of my academic career.”

Another student responded: “When he just broke down crying was pretty rough. It was the one time his video started working so we got an HD look at his snot bubbles and tears, he kept begging us not to look at him like this and that he's a ‘real lawyer,’ but I’m not sure I can ever respect that man again.”

When asked for comment Dr. Hinkmen threatened to sue but backed down when told he was a toe sucking litter box and that the Misnomer had acquired video of the lecture. 


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