Pigs Slaughtered Inhumanely Apparently 50% More Delicious

Heads turn around campus with the exposure of UW-Madison’s execution protocol for its pigs — the gas chamber.  The reason? According to scientists, the excruciatingly painful death these pigs experience makes your bacon taste 50% better. That’s right! The more stress, pain, and negative emotion pigs experience, the better their meat tastes. 

An extensive study was conducted at the university, in a rigorous, no-nonsense research structure. “We just been torturing the shit out of these pigs,” remarked Dr. Riley Brown, lead researcher of the study, and a professor in the Department of Animal and Dairy Sciences. “We’ve received criticism that it is inhumane and unnecessary to have the pigs lowered into a heavy concentration of carbon dioxide gas that rapidly dissolves into their mucous membranes to form searing carbonic acid, triggering minutes of desperate gasping, agonizing squealing, and violent thrashing in a suffocating panic before the animals finally lose consciousness and are mechanically hoisted upward to have their throats slit–-but we beg to differ.” Dr. Brown went on to explain that the “high spike in cortisol the pigs endure acts as a natural meat tenderizer”. Through all this frantic thrashing and squealing, the cortisol that is shot throughout the pig’s brain acts as a sort of “fear marinade” for the pig’s delicious delicious meat. 

“The pigs we were nice to tasted like dogshit,” Dr. Brown cordially remarked about the control group in the study. “We had another crop of pigs to contrast flavor–we gave them little porky massages, fed them well, hell–we even played Bach for them before euthanizing them peacefully at slaughter time. They tasted like S H I T!!!! Who wants flavorless pork?” 

Taste testers in clinical taste trials agreed. Enthusiastic college students highlighted that the robust notes of “sheer panic,” tasted through the tender juicy meat gave the pork chops a “nice tang.”

Dr. Brown plans to escalate this research, with the possibility of exploring mental anguish as a mechanism of torture as well. “We at the University of Wisconsin encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.” Dr. Brown concluded, staring thoughtfully into the middle distance. “As long as there is tuition money to spend, we will continue pushing the limits of porcine psychological torment, all in the pursuit of tastier pork.”