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Professor Can’t Operate AV, Saves Face By Wasting Hour Of Class Time Anyway

On Tuesday, Professor Richard K. Hulbert was unable to operate the video he had planned to show his class on the mating habits of birds. Without a back-up plan and desperate to save face, Simmons instead used the remaining 75 minutes of class time “preparing students for their research paper” by demonstrating internet search tools they already understood and forcing them to “discuss potential research questions” with their peers.

“Well, I couldn’t just let them go,” said Hulbert. “Sure, I had no viable back-up plan and was just bullshitting the whole time, but I had to make sure they spent enough time not paying attention to me in that lecture hall to validate myself and my subject. It all comes back to my deep-seated insecurity that my students don’t actually care about the birds of the Midwest, are just taking the class as a breadth credit, and ultimately my life’s work will turn out to be meaningless.”

Asked what they thought of the lecture, student Ashleigh Fletcher-Gonzalez called it “pointless” and “infuriating,” student Rae Bradford added “cringey,” and student Marcus Wong was ambivalent, suggesting it was “not less interesting than my usual nap - I mean, lecture.”

Hulbert found the students’ attitudes rather ungrateful.

“I do know they’re busy,” he said, “and I know it was maybe not the most exciting lecture. That’s why I let them go a full five minutes early today.”


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