Next Thursday millions of Americans will sit down with loved ones to enjoy a nice meal at the dining room table. In contrast the only table students at the University of Wisconsin will be seeing this year is a periodic one.
A statement released Friday reads “The chemistry department has a tight schedule to keep and cannot waste any time with holidays or feelings. With this in mind we’ve decided to cancel Thanksgiving this year. Thursday classes will proceed as normal.”
Many members of the chemistry department were thrilled that students would be able to celebrate chemistry with the same energy and passion as those who’ve made it their life’s work.
“This was the right call” said professor Burstyn, the chemistry department chair. “Our curriculum is jam-packed. If we missed even a single lecture we wouldn’t be able to cover everything. I shudder at the thought of teaching kids what they actually need to know."
Thanksgiving has since been erased from all calendars in the chemistry building. All images or mentions of the turkey are prohibited. Instead students are encouraged to celebrate chemistry and how it enables the world around us.
“If liquid water behaved like many other elements in liquid form the mayflower would have never been able to set sail. It’s important for students to recognize that chemistry made it possible for Thanksgiving to start in the first place,” said Dr. Chad Wilkinson star of Life in the Lab. “Instructions for properly celebrating a holiday while attending lecture and class discussion should be located in your lab manual.”
While the cancelation of a national holiday makes complete sense for many professors, students enrolled in introductory chemistry courses seem to be having some trouble warming up to the idea. Many students have become visibly upset when asked to comment on the issue.
“This is bullshit” said local freshman Kent Weaver “the construction workers outside the chemistry building have the whole week off yet I still have class everyday? Give me a break!”
While many students would rather be home, a select few have decided that spending time computing Gibbs free energy is better than getting into an argument with their racist uncle.
“I think it’s nice for once having a reason not to come home. I really can’t stand most of those people anyway,” said UW freshman and chemistry major Andrew Bennet. “I’ve been attending the last few years just to collect the food and sell it to the kids who didn’t get to go home."
Regardless of student opinion the Chemistry department has been unyielding. “Unlike the Mayflower the course syllabus is still directly on it’s charted path with no intention of diverting elsewhere.” Professor Burstyn emphasized. “I don’t know why it’s so hard to understand that family is limited but chemistry is forever. Science, unlike emotions is never the limiting reactant.”