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Professor Resigns After Losing Debate With First-Year Philosophy Student

It was a sad day for the Philosophy department of UW Madison today after Philip Winslow, PhD, a professor who taught Philosophy 101, resigned after losing a debate with a first-year philosophy student.

“It was the most humiliating moment of my professional career,” Winslow remarked. “I realized that one of my students was far more equipped to deal with a subject which I had studied for years after only one lecture.” Winslow choked back tears after taking a drag from a cigarette. He has since had his PhD revoked and been forced to resign from his job at UW Madison.

Cooper Hartley, the student in question, claimed that he was able to defeat Mr. Winslow in the debate thanks to his “superior intellect” and “many viewings of philosophical ‘Crash Course’ episodes.” Hartley is now preparing the syllabus after being promoted to Professor of PHILOS 101 in Winslow’s place.

“I mentioned that I knew who Kant was and I knew he was done for,” said Hartley. “He’d never seen such a brilliant mind after only one day, and the look in his eyes proved it.” The entire class cheered as Winslow admitted defeat.

“He’s just so handsome and smart,” said every girl we had interviewed who had seen the debate. “I don’t know what I like more about him: his superior intellect or his masculine features.”

Dr. Hartley, PhD, stated that he will be working on “reshaping the poorly designed curriculum” and “rebuilding the Philosophy department from the ground up.” He begins his first class on Monday.


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