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Professor Without Computer Ready to Try Out Online Classes

In light of the rising tide of Coronavirus outbreaks, UW-Madison has canceled face-to-face instruction for the spring semester. However, those students who don’t plan on drinking away their newfound free time’s GPAs are still in peril; namely by their professors who suddenly have to learn how to use the internet.

Dr. Tom Morris, a tenured professor in the Atmospheric and Oceanic Sciences, has been teaching at UW-Madison since 1987. He believes that though he still uses a projector in class and considers the internet to be “the devil's work” he will be able to run online classes easily as asked.

Dr. Morris has refused the help of his TA, 23-year old Rebecca Johnson, a soil science masters student with a degree in computer engineering, and insists that he doesn’t need to actually own a computer to run an online class. He can simply use his wisc email to send his entire lectures written word for word, and have his students do 20 pages of reading a day.

When asked for a comment, Dr. Morris said, “I am pretty sure I can figure this internets stuff out, smackchaps isn't that complex of an app. I was born before computers were invented so I think I am a little smarter than everyone is letting on. Besides, it's an earth science class, if I can't get it to work I’ll just have them collect dirt or something. If they are in this major they aren’t exactly the next Nobel prize winners ya know.”


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