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Quarantine Hero Reuses Toilet Paper

As Covid-19 spreads across the world, local economies feel the strain of running a business without being paid. This has led to shortages of many crucial resources, from food and water to more unrelated resources like toilet paper. Luckily, local woman Shelly Atwood has devised a way of reusing toilet paper and saving the world. 

Atwood was not always the pillar of society she currently is; her discovery took a series of trial and error. Initially, to reduce toilet paper use, she tried not pooping, reasoning you don't have to get clean if you never get dirty. However, she was warned by doctors that that was physically impossible and likely to get her sick and make more of a mess. Next, she tried finding substitutes for toilet paper, such as using her underwear, her roommate's bath towels, and even her dog to get clean. However, none of these were effective at solving the issue. Finally, she discovered the method of reusing toilet paper by storing it and letting it dry before using it again.

We asked her roommate, Claire Moulin, for comment on what it's like living with a legend.

“Holy fuck, I hate it. First, she uses my goddamn towels on her ass, then my dog! Stewie smelled like shit for weeks-- like who the fuck does that? Now this crazy bitch lays out her toilet paper in the living room and dries it off with a hairdryer on the extra warm setting. Everything smells awful, all the time. Oh my god, I’m gonna murder her if this goes on for more than a week. And by the way, we have like 4 packs of toilet paper. Kwik Trip always has some. I don’t know why the fuck she even started doing this!”       

When asked what spurred her to learn how to reuse toilet paper, Atwood replied, “Oh you know, I just saw a problem and decided to fix it. I'm a Virgo or something like that, so I’m just a natural-born leader; it feels good to help the masses. And don’t worry, I’m humble, so my statue only needs to be 10 feet tall not 20 like I originally planned.”


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