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Quick-Witted Freshman Disguises Desire to Masturbate by Asking Roommate His Schedule



UW-Madison Freshman Andre Long sat in his dorm room on a crisp fall afternoon. Long had apparently just finished his last lecture and had officially changed into his grey sweats. The freshman claims his favorite thing to do after class is to relax with some television. Long’s wholesome Friends rerun viewing session was interrupted by a Neutrogena commercial, featuring Bella Thorne.


“Oh no,” stated Long. 


Long claims from there on out his eyes were glued to the TV screen, enthralled by Thorne’s smooth skin. Suddenly, Long’s sweats seemed to be a bit tighter around his cock-and- ball area. He explained his concern that his roommate had already been gone for forty minutes and wasn’t sure if he could “stroke the salami” before he got back. 


“Look alright, I’m not a creep. I’m just horny for Thorny. She just seemed so into her perfect skin. I haven’t gotten used to the whole college timing thing. Both my parents worked nine to five jobs. Trust me, I had all the time in the world.”


Long pondered what to do for a few minutes. He was then hit with a fantastic idea. Long decided to send his roommate a text saying, “hey bro what’s ur course schedule lol.”


“Yeah man, I don’t know how I come up with brilliant shit like this. Just casual enough not to seem suspicious. BOOM! A stroke of genius that enabled me to stroke my penis.”


Long then received a text from his roommate claiming he would return sometime around 4:20. Long knew that it would be quite a feat but wasn’t one to back down from a challenge. The rest is history. Later that day, we were able to catch up to Long’s roommate to get his perspective on the situation. 


“What? Nah bro, that motherfucker was definitely jacking off. The only thing slick about that dude is his dick.”

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