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Report: Destruction of Property Apparently Justified When Fighting for Right to Party

Eager for the rare and priceless opportunity to drink Natty Light in someone’s grassless yard, UW-Madison students turned out in droves Saturday for the 2021 Mifflin Street Block Party. That’s right: these brave students didn’t let the pandemic, or even a single mask, get in the way of their god-given right to party.

Among the ways the sloshed adult children defended their right was by climbing on top of someone’s car and then absolutely obliterating it with their little sneakers.

“It represented us stomping all sorts of, like, oppression and shit,” said one of the anonymous participants. “We chose a car because trying to stop Mifflin is exactly like taking my car keys away when I blow a .25. This is the land of the free, and I’ll drive whenever I damn well please.”

In an especially heartwarming gesture, the Capital Police on duty at the block party stood in solidarity with the students, expressing their support by joining in the drinking games and letting people play catch with their loaded firearms.

“It’s time we boys in blue finally stand with the people,” said officer Chris P. Bacon, one of the on-duty cops. “It’s understandable that they’re destroying property. After all, their basic human rights are being infringed upon. Material damage is nothing when having a brewski with you and your 500 closest friends is at stake.”

Shortly after the interview, Bacon and his fellow officers were called to respond to a group of Black Lives Matter protesters desecrating Capital property.

“We gotta go now, these bastards can’t keep getting away with this,” Bacon said. “Sitting on the lawn, crushing STATE-OWNED grass? Someone call the station and tell them to get the riot gear ready.”


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