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Report: Weird Guy Does Weird Drugs

Drugs! From cocaine to caffeine, there’s a very good chance that almost every human being since the primordial soup has used some sort of psychoactive substance (with the notable exceptions of Mormons and your parents). Most of us will stick to the basics: alcohol, weed, and nicotine, but for one local student, “the basics” just don’t cut it. Oliver, a senior studying English and philosophy, has been dabbling in the more esoteric forms of drug consumption since he was a teenager.

“Ever since I bought a baggie of K2 from a gas station at 14 and had a psychotic episode, I’ve been in love with altered states. Never got rid of the shadow people, but I like to think of them as my spiritual guides now.”

Since his first experience, Oliver has strived to try nearly every drug under the sun. As a freshman, he attempted to make DMT in his chem lab with the help of a TA who, he said, “was also, like, a total psychonaut, man.” However, this venture was quashed by at least 3 of the other TAs who claimed that making drugs in Chem 103 was “not cool” and “a federal crime.” Since then, he’s left the actual production process to the anonymous Russian teenagers he buys things from off the dark web.

As he’s gone through college, Oliver has gone through nearly every category of compounds and nearly every DEA schedule to try and find the next best thing.

“College has been such a mind-expanding journey for me. Not, like, because of classes since I’m generally too fucked up to go to those, but the angels I saw on my last acid trip told me what life is all about.”

Although it’s common knowledge that drugs make you cool (and the more drugs you do, the cooler you are), Oliver has actually struggled to make friends.

One former roommate commented, “He was a decent guy, but I don’t think he ever went out with us. He said he didn’t drink ‘because of the toxins,’ but I swear to god he left a crack pipe on the kitchen counter at least once.”

With graduation looming, Oliver has a clear plan for himself.

“Yeah I’m gonna just get a van and go out west, no rent, no boss telling me what to do. Since I’ve still got my Dad’s credit card it should be pretty easy to get by until I start a podcast and start getting sponsorships.”


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