When junior Marcy Miller moved into her beautiful, three-story home on Gilman Street one month ago, she was optimistic about her future roommates. The tides have since turned, as Marcy reports she has come to her breaking point.
“When I met my roommates at Sig Pi’s ‘CEO’s and Office Hoes’ party, they all seemed like really put-together, professional women,” commented Miller. “I’m starting to think these girls don’t even have entry-level careers in business.”
One roommate of Marcy’s showed her true inner self last weekend when she vomited aggressively all over the bathroom floor. Witnesses have collectively agreed that the guilty party must not have made it into the toilet at all.
Miller, furious that no one replied to her “Who TF threw up all over the b-room!?!?” text in her roommate group chat, decided to make the bold move of leaving a post-it note on top of the pile of vomit.
The note read, “Whoever puked, please clean this up!” with a hand-drawn smiley face.
In response to the note, one anonymous roommate of Miller’s commented, “Could Marcy have been any pettier? I mean, the smiley face just crossed the line. If Marcy really wants to know who puked she should ask Kacey because she’s the only one of us who isn’t vegan and that shit smelt like tacos.”
The vomit has since been cleaned up, but tension within roommate relationships are at all an time high as the guilty party has not yet come forward.
When asked if she regretted the rather passive-aggressive note, Miller stated, “No way. This whole experience has opened my eyes. It’s like I don’t even know these girls! Next time, I might have to resort to subtweeting those bitches. The truth always comes out, just like the puke that comes out of my trashbag roommates every weekend.”