top of page

Roommate Out of Town! Local Couch About to Experience Unspeakable Horror

Besides an uncleaned communal bong, assortment of dishes, and that smell you just can’t trace, a couch is perhaps the most important component of a college house’s living room. Although they’re often found on Craigslist or a dumpster, the couch is a beloved and well used staple. While there are common rules of etiquette that come with a shared piece of furniture, these all go out the window when your roommate finds themselves totally alone. For that poor couch, your lonely roommate will almost certainly cause a series of increasingly drastic and unimaginable tragedies.

Letting a fart sneak through in a common space is a universal experience, but if unsupervised, your communal couch can expect nothing less than a near-constant crop dusting that would make it uninhabitable even for cockroaches. Although there may not be stains or physical evidence of this all out biological assault, the smell will certainly linger for months, if not years. Ripping earth shattering ass is simply inevitable when no one else is home to complain, and although the sound may be but a single crack, its echoes will reverberate for untold eons.

Although gas may taint the very soul of a couch, a lonely roommate can leave a virtually unending variety of stains that no amount of scrubbing can remove. Ramen can be picked up, and a beer spill doesn’t leave more than the faint smell of yeast, but your roommate is an entirely different beast. When he’s feeling a little frisky and no one is around to stop them, truly horrific wounds can be wrought upon your poor couch. We all jerk off, but if you’re not home, there is absolutely nothing stopping your roommate from shooting massive ropes all over the cushions while blasting hentai on your shared TV.

Cushions can be flipped, blankets can cover up stains, and Febreeze can mask the smell, but nothing can undo the unspeakable horror that happens to your couch as soon as you make a weekend trip back home. Much like a demon or Bruce Willis in the "6th Sense", your roommates actions will linger as a spectre. Nothing can erase these sins, but fortunately, you can’t get E. Coli or catch chlamydia from your couch, so the damage is only mental.

bottom of page